What do you mean, I suppress feelings? I’m simply always happy.
I am afraid of being in control? I simply am good at planning and taking care of myself.
I seem to take my value, self-esteem and personal image from one particular side of my life, namely the appreciation at work? Of course not, I am doing so many things.
Are you trying to ruin my life?
Well, it took me a while but I came to realize that it’s the opposite you wanted. You tried to make me question if what I’m doing is what I genuinely want.
And hell no, it’s not.
At some point I wondered if I actually had ever truly been happy.
The other day I read “You want to know what true freedom feels like? It’s when something that used to scare you doesn’t scare you anymore.”
Well, I’m clinging to the image of the successful manager and consultant. Social status, money, predictability, and stability. Lots of validation, the push to go further. To go the infamous “extra mile”.
But after a marathon of extra-miles, my muscles are sore.
I sure am still incredibly afraid of letting go of all of this, but my body tells me there’s no other way and I’m starting to not care anymore.
I finally allow myself – sometimes – to listen to what I want, what I need, what I feel. And I am trying to let go of societal expectations, what my family had in mind for me, what people might like me for, what colleagues and managers tell me would be a smart move.
There is no energy left to look for what comes next.
Zola Jesus performed in Berlin and she said, “thank you for your patience, usually I like to look at you, but as the piano is positioned today, I’m staring into the void”.
That’s probably what I will have to say as well: Thank you for your patience while I’m staring into the void.
No matter how tired I am, there is this merciless inner voice that tells me to snap out of it, to just push through, millions of people can do it, why not you?! The same voice that tells me to work out when I feel tired or sick, don’t be a wimp.
But what are we doing this for?
To get more money? More status? More stress?
The other day my girlfriend asked me to take a picture of her turtleneck. All I needed to do was to take it out from the wardrobe, spread it out and take a picture with my phone.
But I almost cried, looking at yet another task on my endless list of things. I felt I couldn’t do it.
Things that once were easy now cost me a lot of energy. I need many breaks, I have trouble to focus, I’m always tired, no matter how much I sleep, my memory is a strainer with window-sized holes.
I told them it’s too much work, they said they would change it but for now I would need to do it. Of course it ever only got more.
I said I can’t sleep anymore. They answered “yeah, me neither”.
They said “you look unhappy”; I said “yes” – and they responded “yes? Haha, ok, gotta jump to the next call, see you”.
I feel I can’t abandon my team, they need me, they rely on my support. I need to show them that the strategy I explained to them is worth the effort. How could I just leave?
But it is enough.
I do not even know what I want to do next. I just want to sleep.
Instead of running I go for walks because it is less exhausting. What do I have all this workout equipment for if I anyway am too tired to use it?
I am still making music and it is what keeps me alive, it is when I feel energized, when I am happy and forget the rest.
And there’s the times when I am with people who I can show my real side that is not always happy and bubbly, and where I am still loved, where I do not need to be afraid that I’m not performing well. It’s not the times when I get my next pay check, my next promotion, my next title.
I will try to not call in sick as long as I can before my contract ends. I’m pushing through, even though I do not know anymore for what.
The human resource reached its end of useful life, it’s gonna be replaced and disposed of.
What remains is a dead body’s skin.
In the city, you find pain
And the people you see there
That remind you of your role
Let me go
Skin of all, skin of all
I’ve had enough.(Zola Jesus – Skin)